Bess Marvin's Guide to Undercover Shenanigans
by Lady Emily
Summary: "Hey, fake-married is no big deal... It's not like she was dancing in a cat suit for money."


A/N: So, contrary to popular belief, I'm not dead, just a law school graduate, so I apologize for my long absence. I'm trying to get back into writing, but it is slow-going, so I thought I'd toss this out there just to test the waters. Hope you like it; reviews and encouragement are appreciated!

This one doesn't really spoil too much of any of the Supermysteries, but the cat suit story is a reference to the Nancy Drew computer game Phantom of Venice, in case anyone was wondering!

* * *

 **Bess Marvin's Guide to Undercover Shenanigans**

"Bye, Brett." Nancy Drew waved halfheartedly as Bess's sandy-haired new boyfriend kissed her goodbye and headed for the street.

It was a beautiful summer day in River Heights, and she and her friends, Frank and Joe Hardy, Bess Marvin, and their significant others, had taken advantage of the nice weather to celebrate the finish of their latest case with a picnic in the park. Bess had taken the opportunity to introduce them all to her latest fling. As soon as Brett was out of earshot, Nancy shook her head. "You have got to get rid of that guy, Bess, I'm serious."

Her boyfriend, Ned Nickerson, looked at her with surprise; it was rare that Nancy was anything less than supportive of Bess's dating choices. "Why? He seemed nice."

"I thought so, too." Callie Shaw, Frank's girlfriend, spoke up, stabbing the last bites of her pasta salad with a plastic fork.

"And he was cute." Vanessa Bender added, grinning when Joe gave her a betrayed look. "Nowhere near as cute as you, honey." she assured him with a peck on his nose. Nancy made a mental note to ask Frank how long Vanessa and Joe had been dating; they seemed to be in that new-love stage where they couldn't keep their hands off each other.

From Callie's other side, Frank looked at Bess apologetically. "I think I'm with Nan on this one." he told her.

Bess folded her arms, looking upset. "You think he's cheating on me, don't you?" she glared at Nancy. "At least this time you're telling me about it."

"I told you last time!" Nancy protested. "Remember that night you caught him sneaking in and he explained it by saying he stopped to buy milk, but he _drank_ it all on the way home? _That's_ when I said 'Bess, he's cheating on you.'"

"Still, it would have been nice to know before we adopted the damn cat." Bess grumbled. "I have the worst luck with guys! You really think Brett's cheating on me?"

"Worse than that." Joe said. Finished cleaning the grill, he sank onto the end of the picnic bench next to Vanessa. "He's married."

Bess gasped. "What?"

Joe held up his bare left hand. "Wedding ring tan." he explained.

Nancy pointed a finger at Joe, her expression saying, _what did I tell you?_

"Come on, guys..." Bess groaned, seemingly not convinced.

"He was checking his phone all afternoon." Nancy pointed out. "Has he ever taken any of those calls in front of you?"

"Well... no." Bess admitted.

Frank folded his hands together and leaned forward. "When he takes you out to dinner, does he usually pay in cash or credit?" he asked her gently.

Bess frowned in thought. "Cash, I guess..." The three detectives shared a look, causing her to become indignant. "Oh, come _on_! What does how he pays have to do with anything?"

"A lot of guys, when they're having affairs, pay with cash instead of credit cards so their wives don't see the charges on their account statements and get suspicious." Joe explained.

Vanessa stared at him dubiously. "Oh, do they?" she asked.

Joe grinned at her. "...Which I know because our dad's a P.I.; we pick up on these things."

"I see."

Bess rolled her eyes. "There's your problem; you guys spend a lot of time solving mysteries so you're automatically suspicious of everyone. Paying with cash isn't proof of anything! And the phone thing: maybe he just knows it's rude to take a call when you're with company."

"And the wedding band tan?" Nancy asked.

Here Bess faltered. "Please... that could be from... anything. Heck, _we_ all had wedding band tans when we came back from Egypt."

"Yeah," Joe reminded her. "From _wearing wedding bands_."

"Wearing wedding bands, huh?" Ned looked at his girlfriend skeptically.

Nancy blushed. "Didn't I tell you about that? I feel sure I told you about that."

"It was an undercover thing." Bess said with an airy wave of her hand. "Me and Joe were married, and Nancy and Frank. We were supposed to be like decoys for a bunch of terrorists or whatever, but then it turned out to be a setup by some insane-o bomber guy." She looked at Vanessa, who was sitting across from her, and held up her hands as if to show that they weren't touching Joe. "It wasn't fun or anything." she explained. "Joe and I fought the whole time. And Nan and Frank-" she thought better of whatever she was going to say and finished weakly. "...Fought the whole time."

Vanessa raised her eyebrows in amusement. "Sounds like fun to me."

Joe took a look at the awkward glances passing between Nancy and Frank and their significant others and grinned, nuzzling a kiss against Vanessa's ear. "It was before I met you." he explained cheerfully. It wasn't often he got to see Nancy and Frank squirm about their relationship indiscretions. He could have sworn he saw Nancy shoot him a dirty look before she turned back to Ned.

"I _definitely_ told you about that." Nancy decided. She'd been so tormented by the guilt of kissing Frank on that case that she'd told him about the whole undercover-marriage thing as soon as she'd returned to the States. Well, most of it, anyway.

"Yeah, you did." Ned admitted, in a voice that said he'd enjoyed making her just a bit uncomfortable.

Frank looked up, a little nervously.

Joe saw the way Callie was glowering at his brother and quickly changed the subject. "Hey, fake-married is no big deal." he said to Ned. "It's not like she was dancing in a cat suit for money."

Ned choked on the soda he was drinking. Nancy's jaw dropped open in shock and fury. "I told you about that in _confidence_." she hissed at Joe.

Joe's expression was positively gleeful. "Oh? I'm the only one who knew about that?"

Nancy's face was tomato red as her friends all stared at her wearing expressions of various degrees of horror and amusement. "It wasn't exactly my proudest moment, Joe." she growled. "Although..." she had to admit, "After a while? Strangely liberating."

"You go, girl." Bess quipped.

Ned got his breathing under control. "And when was this?"

Nancy shrugged. "That time I was in Venice. Remember? And you came to Bayport and let Joe dismantle your whole car like a deranged shop teacher?"

"I was bored." Joe protested. "I put it back together."

"Eventually." Nancy and Ned said in unison.

Bess wanted to get back to the topic at hand. "A cat suit?" she reminded them all. "For _money?_ "

Nancy glared at Joe. "See, this is why I don't tell you things. You just got lucky that time because Frank was snow-camping."

"S'what he gets for going snow-camping without me." Joe muttered.

"What the hell is snow-camping?" Bess wondered.

"Anyway, the dancing thing was taken completely out of context." Nancy said, straightening up like a lawyer presenting her defense in court. "And it wasn't 'for money.' I needed the suit." She cleared her throat, fighting a smile at the absurdity of the whole thing. "The tips were just a bonus."

"This probably isn't my business..." Vanessa said curiously. "But, what did you need a cat suit for?"

"Oh," Nancy said, looking nervously at Ned. "It was just... made of a special material that I used to, um, sneak past some thermal scanners and steal an emerald."

" _What?_ " Ned blurted.

"From criminals!" Nancy tacked on hastily. "They'd stolen it in the first place; I was only stealing it back. Not even stealing, really. Repatriating."

"Oh, they were criminals. That makes me feel better." Ned said sarcastically. "So if they'd caught you, instead of having you arrested, they would have just killed you! Whew. What a relief."

"Well, they didn't catch me." Nancy said. "And besides, even if they did, I was undercover."

"As what?" Bess asked.

"Uh... a professional thief." Nancy confessed. "I could have talked my way out of it."

"It sounds unbelievably dangerous." Ned said, rubbing his temples tiredly with one hand. "And by the way, why in the world would you tell all this to Joe and not me?"

"Um," Nancy shrugged, but couldn't hide a guilty grin. "Because I knew you would freak out about it, and I knew Joe would think it was _awesome._ "

Joe was shaking his head with admiration. " _So_ cool." he agreed. He lifted his hand for a high five and she slapped it.

"It totally was."

"You guys are like little kids." Vanessa laughed.

"More like, we're professional badasses." Joe retorted. Frank opened his mouth, but Joe corrected himself before Frank could speak."Semi-professional badasses."

"Is that so?" Vanessa asked.

"You could tell her about the time you went undercover on that cruise ship as a busboy." Nancy suggested slyly. "So glamorous."

Joe acknowledged her attempt to repay him for the cat suit story, but still felt like he'd come out way ahead. "Yeah, that would have been way lame if we hadn't succeeded in capturing a rogue international spy."

"Last time you guys were here in River Heights, you were undercover as EMTs to crack a body-snatching ring." Ned spoke up gamely. "I mean, body snatching... that's pretty badass."

"An excellent example." Joe agreed grandly. "And there was the time we went undercover as FBI trainees at Quantico." he added. "Frank had to be rescued by some karate-grannies, but Nan and I badassed it up."

Frank rolled his eyes. "Like that had anything to do with our being undercover."

"I know it didn't, but I'll take any excuse to bring it up."

"So, we're dating a couple of action heroes?" Vanessa asked, giving Joe's shoulder a squeeze.

"Guess so." Ned answered with a shake of his head.

"Good god, please stop, Vanessa!" Callie pleaded, laughing. "Joe's head is big enough already."

"Excuse me?" Joe retorted. "I have a worldwide reputation for being modest and unassuming."

"Not to mention your legendary smart mouth." Frank added dryly. Joe grinned, shrugging, and they all laughed.

"So... what you guys are saying is, Brett's married?"

"YES."


End file.
